


Bringing Back a Smile

by Vanvanvan



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Angst, Childhood Friends, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Growing Up, Growing Up Together, Hospitalization, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Kid Fic, Non-Traditional Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Off-Screen Suicide Attempt, Suicide Attempt, Teenagers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-23
Updated: 2019-06-23
Packaged: 2020-05-16 20:12:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19325269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vanvanvan/pseuds/Vanvanvan
Summary: "Yuuri loved Victor. They were best friends. And Victor smiled so bright at him. Like he was special."..Growing up is sometimes harder than one anticipates. Tragedies and heartbreak and failure make up how we grow, where we end up isn't always where we thought we'd be, but somethings sure never change.





	Bringing Back a Smile

Yuuri knew he was different from Victor. Victor was beautiful and tall and played with the big kids. It was more than that though. Okasan would chatter with the other grownups. They’d say Yuuri had a crush on Victor. They called it his Alpha instincts—whatever that meant. Victor, every time the grownups would tease, would scrunch up his nose and not look at Yuuri for the rest of the day. Yuuri didn’t like that Victor only played with him when big kids weren’t around, but Victor smiled big at Yuuri. He was so beautiful.  
They played a lot at the beach since it was summer. Victor, Yuuri knew, didn’t like the heat so much. He said it was because his home was cold. Yuuri liked Victor’s voice. Okasan said Victor was Russian and had an accent. It was why he didn’t know some words that Yuuri said.  
Yuuri loved Victor. They were best friends. And Victor smiled so bright at him. Like he was special.  
Yuuri knew he was different than Victor, but Victor still liked to be with him even though the big kids didn’t think Yuuri was cool. Victor made Yuuri cool. The big kids would even talk to him sometimes.  
At the beach Yuuri and Victor had a great day. Even though they forgot to eat, and Victor’s mama and Okasan got mad. Or at least Yuuri had a great day. But Victor had laughed and grinned and paid lots of attention to him. They played with Makkachin and Yuuri’s new dog, Vicchan.  
“Yuuri?” Victor said as they walked back home.  
“Yes?” Yuuri stopped to look at Victor. He’d sounded serious.  
“Don’t forget me when I go back to Russia for school. I know you can’t write letters yet. Mama says that phone calls don’t reach from Japan to Russia... I’ll miss you,” Victor held out his hand.  
Yuuri took it. They held hands all the way home. “I’ll miss you too.” He forgot Victor had to leave. He’d leave with his Mama and Papa soon.  
The next day Victor packed his clothes and got in the car to go to the airport. Yuuri cried, but only after Victor left. In all Yuuri’s four years of living he’d never met a friend like Victor. Even though Victor was eight and beautiful and cool.  
Because Victor’s family couldn’t make time to come back to Japan, Yuuri had to wait to see him again.

~~

Yuuri was seven as he stood on the steps of the big school building for the first time. Mari was already in high school. She said that the first day was always scariest. But even though Yuuri had been sick with worry a week before school starts, he didn’t believe her as much until he was in front of the doors. He wouldn’t cry though. He reminded himself that he was only a year younger than Victor when they’d met. Victor always smiled. Yuuri shook on the way to class. His uniform was scratchy, but he sat down in the classroom anyway.  
He listened as best he could. Two of the boys behind him kept snickering. Yuuri felt eyes on him. He glanced behind him to see the them looking at him. He didn’t like that.  
He left the class at the end of the day feeling sick again.  
“Hey, fatso!” A tall boy laughed at him with two others.  
“Takeshi, that’s so mean!” a girl scolded the tall boy.  
Yuuri hugged himself. He walked as fast as he could to escape the laughing.  
On the sidewalk on the way home he still hugged himself. He never thought about being fat. Aside from when all the grownups at home in the inn would pinch his cheeks and comment. Though it was annoying, he never thought it was bad or weird. Was it?  
He heard footsteps running toward him from behind.  
“Hey!” it was the girl from earlier who’d scolded the tall boy.  
Yuuri didn’t respond but looked at his shoes.  
“My name’s Yuuko. Takeshi was being mean I’m sorry about him. What’s your name?”  
Yuuri stopped. “My name’s Yuuri.”  
She smiled, “It’s nice to meet you Yuu-chan. Can we be friends?”  
Yuuri shifted his feet. He wanted a friend. He missed Victor though. He guessed he could have two friends. “Yeah, that sounds good.”  
“Awesome!”

~~

Yuuri was nine when he learned Victor would be coming for the summertime. It had been so long that Yuuri wasn’t sure he was excited anymore. He hardly remembered what Victor looked like except that he was cool and beautiful. Victor would be thirteen. Yuuri remembered that Mari was a teenager and scowled. She was moody and liked to slam doors when she was mad. He hoped Victor still smiled as bright as Yuuri remembered.  
The school year came and went quickly. It was summer and Victor came into the inn after his Mama and Papa with his bags.  
“I forgot how awful the heat is,” he said dropping his stuff. His mama scolded him in Russian. He stuck his tongue out. It wasn’t even that hot. His silver hair was high in a ponytail. He was still beautiful but there was a different glow to him. He was more different than ever before, and Yuuri wasn’t sure that was a good thing.  
“Hi, Yuuri,” after that Victor hardly acknowledged him for the rest of the day. It made Yuuri have a sour stomach. Victor had forgotten him. Just like he asked Yuuri not too.  
Yuuri sat in the family area while Victor unpacked his suitcase in Yuuri’s room. Victor came downstairs and grumbled to his mama about something in Russian. She scolded him and smacked his ear. He stopped grumbling then. At mealtime Yuuri happened to sit next to Victor. Victor didn’t smile as much as Yuuri remembered. He had a sweet smell to him that Yuuri didn’t remember either. Yuuri wondered what kind of perfume it was. It was a nice smell.  
“Victor, did you want to go the beach tomorrow sometime?” Yuuri asked with his head ducked.  
“Maybe...” Victor barely ate his food.  
“Vicchan,” Okasan spoke, “Are you not hungry?”  
“I’m sorry,” he said setting his chopsticks down.  
Okasan nodded, “I’ve heard that’s normal after you’ve presented. Don’t worry.”  
Victor was red down to his neck. Yuuri wasn’t so sure whether he was embarrassed or mad. He excused himself a moment after, and he stood and rushed up the stairs.  
“Okasan, what does ‘presented’ mean?” he asked.  
Mari laughed. Otosan smiled like he knew something Yuuri didn’t but didn’t say anything. Victor’s mama and papa eyed Okasan with light smiles.  
“It means Victor’s a grownup now. In his own way. You’ll present when you’re older too.”  
“When I’m thirteen too?”  
“Since you’re an Alpha you’ll present a little later. Maybe sixteen.”  
Yuuri forgot he was an Alpha. Mari said she was a Beta, and so were Okasan and Otosan. Yuuri didn’t think it meant anything. Apparently it did.

Yuuri met up with Yuuko and Takeshi the next day. Victor hadn’t talked to Yuuri when they went to bed the night before. Takeshi was twelve and Yuuko was eleven.  
“I’m worried to present. I know I probably have a year or two, but I’m still worried. My older sister says it was the worst thing to ever happen to her.”  
Takeshi grimaced. (He’d gotten nicer since they’d first met, but Yuuri wasn’t quite ready to fully forgive him.)  
“Okasan said I wouldn’t present ‘til later, like sixteen. Why will you present younger?” he asked.  
Takeshi hummed, “Yuuri, it’s because you and I are Alphas. Alphas always present later. Omegas get their heats way younger.”  
“And Alphas get their heats later?”  
“Alphas get ruts not heats. It’s complicated honestly,” Yuuko said.  
Yuuri wasn’t sure liked the idea of presenting. He still didn’t really know what it was, but it had ruined Yuuko’s sister’s life, so it must not be fun.

When Yuuri got back home he ran up to his room. Victor was leaning up against the bed on the ground. He was reading a magazine.  
“Hi,” Yuuri sat down beside him, “What are you reading?”  
“It’s Teen Magazine. An American magazine. I’m learning English.”  
“Oh cool. Is it hard to learn?” Yuuri peaked over Victor’s shoulder.  
“Not too bad. Here, I’ll show you,” Victor scooted closer to show him. His perfume was strong this close.  
After a few minutes of Victor explaining the English alphabet and helping Yuuri sound out words with him, Yuuri said. “I like the perfume you use.”  
Victor turned red and leaned away from Yuuri. “I’m not wearing any perfume...”  
“Oh.”  
“Mari said your mom told you I presented.”  
Yuuri nodded. “I’m still not sure what it means. She said you were a grownup now, but you’re only thirteen?”  
“Yeah, that’s what I keep thinking. I don’t really want to be an adult, you know? Everyone keeps saying it’s a huge deal I had my first heat, but I don’t feel different.”  
There was a pause.  
“Yuuko said her sister said it was the worst thing to ever happen to her. Why?”  
Victor picked at his pealing nail polish. “It’s not fun. I mean, you’re an Alpha so who knows what it will be like for you, but it hurt and was uncomfortable. I wouldn’t say it’s the worst thing to happen though.”  
...  
“Mama says I need to go on birth control and suppressants. Papa doesn’t want me on suppressants yet because he says it’s not good to go on them at my age. They won’t talk to me about it,” Victor kept his eyes on the ground.  
“That sucks.”  
Victor laughed a little, “Yeah, it sure does.”  
They spent the rest of the evening looking at Victor’s English learning books and the magazine he brought. They were sprawled out over the floor.  
“Hey, Yuuri, think we could make a blanket fort in here?”  
“That’s the best idea!” Yuuri said, “Let’s go get the blankets from the hall closet.”

When Victor left, Yuuri promised to write him. Victor gave Yuuri his email (which caused an endless amount of begging Okasan to let Yuuri have an email too so he could write Victor easier). Yuuri promised himself he wouldn’t forget how much fun he had with Victor. Hopefully it wouldn’t be so long before they saw each other again.

~~

Victor and Yuuri kept in touch for the school months while Victor came to Japan with his family during the summers. Yuuri was glad Victor was there each summer now.  
He was twelve and Victor was sixteen this summer.  
Victor showed up at his door with only his mama his time. His dad had a business trip. He stood there more beautiful than ever, and Yuuri wasn’t sure what to do about the swelling feeling in his chest. He told Mari about it later saying he was having a heart attack. Mari laughed and said it was a crush. Yuuri wasn’t so sure about that. Everything he’d heard about having a crush sounded like it would be fun. This was awful. Victor would swing his hair to the side or smile, and Yuuri’s heart would beat so fast he thought he was dying.  
Victor never seemed to notice. Yuuri came upstairs to his room once to find Victor changing his shirt. Victor later complained that “That’s why the door was closed!” Which didn’t make any since because the door had been closed before and neither of them had walked in on each other. Maybe he forgot to change in the bathroom. Yuuri didn’t know how to feel now that he’s seen Victor shirtless. Victor said he didn’t care that much when Yuuri apologized for the millionth time.  
“It’s okay, Yuuri, seriously,” he said, “It’s not like it matters. You’re just a kid.”

Yuuri dwelled on those words for the next week. He was just a kid...  
He didn’t like how dismissively Victor had said it. He was a kid, technically, but Victor said it in such a way that it stuck in Yuuri’s brain. Did Victor think he wasn’t cool? Did he think Yuuri was annoying the way Mari thought so? Did Victor only hang out with Yuuri because he had too?

Victor wanted to go the beach. Yuuri usually wouldn’t turn down an opportunity to hang out with Victor at the beach or otherwise. Victor suggested they could get ice cream afterwards. Which made Yuuri feel worse. Yuuri found time to hide in the bathroom. He felt so sick it his stomach. A nauseated feeling on his tongue. He looked over the soft round figure he had. He tried to remember a time he wasn’t fat. He fought back the wetness in his eyes. He couldn’t remember not feeling so self conscious about it.  
A knock came at the door. “Yuuri?” Victor’s voice was muffled by the door, “Are you okay? You’ve been in there a while.”  
“I’m okay!” the reassurance sounded fake even to his own ears. He could hear Victor shuffle his feet.  
“Do you want to talk about it?”  
Yuuri wasn’t so sure it would help... he unlocked the bathroom door. Victor came in. He looked just about as anxious as Yuuri felt.  
“What’s going on?”  
“You’ll laugh at me.”  
“No,” Victor promised.  
...  
“I’m fat.”  
Yuuri watched Victor furrow his eyebrows. He glanced over Yuuri’s body for a split second, Yuuri hoped he imagined it. He squirmed. He didn’t like Victor’s silence.  
Victor stepped behind Yuuri and forced him to look in the mirror. “Yuuri... I think you’re perfect. Your eyes shine when you’re excited. Your smile is contagious. I’m sorry you don’t like your weight, but it’s part of you and you’re wonderful.”  
Then the tears fell from Yuuri’s eyes. He turned away from the mirror and curled himself into Victor’s chest. Victor rubbed his back and rested his head on Yuuri’s.  
Yuuri always felt loved with Victor.  
“Can we watch a movie instead?” Yuuri asked.  
“Sure, of course.”

It was late one night, Victor on his place on the floor and Yuuri in his bed, that Yuuri couldn’t sleep again. He never slept right when he was anxious. His thoughts raced and wouldn’t slow down.  
“Yuuri?” a whisper so quiet that Yuuri thought he was hearing things.  
Victor sat up to look at him his eyes wide. His hair glowed in the pale light of the moon. “Do you ever wonder if anyone loves you?”  
Yuuri didn’t say anything for a moment. He had to think about it. “No,” he decided, “My family loves me. And my friends care about me... Do you wonder about that?”  
Victor flopped back down on his bed and didn’t respond right away. He wasn’t looking at Yuuri anymore. He’d turned his head away. “All the time. No one ever stays.”  
Yuuri’s heart hurt. He loved Victor. He always had. He figured that was weird to say though. “I’ll stay,” he said hoping Victor would understand.  
Victor didn’t say anything after that. Yuuri wondered if Victor was asleep. In the morning, Victor’s eyes were puffy and red. Yuuri hoped he got sleep. He hoped he didn’t make Victor cry.

~~

The next summer Yuuri was thirteen. He found himself chubbier than ever and more self conscious than ever before. All the other boys at school teased him about it. Takeshi only didn’t because Yuuri suspected he liked Yuuko, and Yuuko was Yuuri’s best school friend. (Takeshi stood up for Yuuri once though so maybe he wasn’t so bad.)  
Since Victor was seventeen this year and his mom and dad had other things to do this summer, Victor would be coming himself. Yuuri hoped Victor wouldn’t think Yuuri was fat too. Even though ‘fat’ was pretty accurate. Yuuri at least hoped that Victor would still smile at him and not comment. (Yuuri knew last year Victor had called him perfect the way he was... but Yuuri had doubts Victor would feel the same.)  
Okasan said this year it was probably best that Victor didn’t stay in Yuuri’s room. They were too old for that. Yuuri didn’t get the point of that because Victor only thought of him as a little kid, but he didn’t argue as his mom set up a mat in the guest room across from Yuuri’s room. Anyway, he still had a crush on Victor. Which only grew once Victor walked through the back into the family living area.  
Victor was taller than last summer, hair still long and silver. He looked more muscular too. In his emails, Victor told Yuuri he was on the soccer team at school. He was a top player which Yuuri thought was cool. Victor was cool in general.  
Then he said ‘Hi’ and Yuuri could barely say it back. Victor’s voice had dropped to a mellow melodic deep sound. And Yuuri felt bad.  
He felt bad because Victor was his friend, older than him, and would only ever think of Yuuri as a little kid. He didn’t even know if Victor liked guys. But in that moment it didn’t matter because Victor gave Yuuri his wide shining smile that lit up Yuuri’s world.  
Okasan had told Victor to put his bags in the guest room. Victor nodded and headed upstairs.  
“C’mon Yuuri,” Victor said without looking back to see if Yuuri would follow.  
Yuuri followed a moment later.  
Victor dropped his bags and pulled out something from his carryon bag. “Here, I wanted to show you. I got a cell phone a while back.”  
Victor put the little device in Yuuri’s hand. It slid open to have a keypad and was a touch screen when you slid it shut. Yuuri was in awe.  
“If I get one we could talk!” he said.  
Victor hummed, “I don’t have international calling, and anyway I don’t have very many minutes. Mom and Dad say they’ll help me pay for more once I’m in university.”  
“Oh... so we’ll stick to email?”  
“For sure,” Victor smiled.

Yuuri noticed over the next few days that Victor was tense. He mentioned his back and neck hurt too. He said the hot spring didn’t even help that much. Yuuri didn’t know how to help.  
It was a warm afternoon, and he and Victor were hanging out in Yuuri’s room. Okasan and Otosan helped Yuuri move one of the spare TVs from a room that wasn’t being used into his room for his new GameCube after his birthday. He was showing Victor Mario Kart. He’d already played with a GameCude at Takeshi’s house a few years ago. Plus Yuuko had gotten Takeshi Mario Kart for his birthday two years ago.  
“I never had the heart to tell Okasan and Otosan I’d already played the game they got it for me. Besides it’s still fun, and you can always get better at it,” he told Victor as he was setting it up.  
“Yuuri, we’re friends right?”  
Yuuri sat back on his knees and looked over at Victor. Taken aback by the question coming from nowhere, he said, “I think so? I’ve always considered us friends.”  
Victor nodded, but he didn’t say anything more about it before he smiled a tight smile and said, “Is there an easy mode on this game? I haven’t played before.”  
Yuuri felt a ache in his chest.

It was later in the week that Victor slept until noon. Since Victor was usually an early riser, Okasan told Yuuri to go check on him. Yuuri did as he was told and knocked a few times on the guest room door.  
Victor didn’t answer, so Yuuri peaked in the room. His skin crawled. Anxious again, he tried to fight the thought that Victor was dead or something. Victor was a heap of blankets on the floor on his mat so that Yuuri couldn’t see his face.  
“Victor?”  
No response. Yuuri wandered over the the heap Victor laid under hesitantly. “Are you okay?”  
He heard a sniffle and saw a slight shuffle of the blankets. “No,” was muffled by the weight of the comforters on top of Victor’s head.  
“Can I help?” he ventured.  
“No.”  
“Can I sit here with you? Or should I go?” he didn’t know what to say. When Yuuri had a panic attack though it’s what he needed people to ask him.  
“...stay, please.”  
Yuuri sat next to the heap that was Victor. “Do you want to talk about it? Or want to talk at all?”  
Victor peaked his eyes out from under his cave. “Distract me?”  
“Sure,” Yuuri had to think about what to talk about now. “Vicchan misses Makkachin. I’m sure of it. Cause every time you come without her, he whimpers at night on my chest so I have to put him on the floor. I think it’s cute.”  
Victor pulled the blanket further down. His hair was all in his face and his cheeks were red from the warmth under the blankets. “Yuuri?”  
“Yeah?”  
“Can we hold hands? Like we did when we were little?”  
Victor’s hands were rested on his stomach. Yuuri held out his, “Sure.”  
Victor held Yuuri’s wrist up to his jaw-line and clenched his eyes shut like fighting back tears. “You don’t have a scent yet.”  
“No, my biology class had a whole lecture about it. I’m not sure I want a scent...”  
“They say it has all sort of health benefits, you know. For Omegas to smell the scent of an Alpha they trust. I’m not sure I believe it because I’ve trusted enough Alphas to know it just makes me more sad,” Victor didn’t elaborate. Yuuri wasn’t sure he wanted him too. Because it might just make Yuuri sad too.  
He scooted closer to Victor to let Victor have more of his arm. He rested his hand on Victor’s face. A tear fell from his eye onto Yuuri’s thumb, so Yuuri wiped it away.  
Yuuri had always loved Victor. He knew it now more than ever. In the dark of the guest room, the only light coming from the crack under the doorframe and the blinds on the window.  
He wondered if Victor might feel better by hearing it. “Victor,” he whispered.  
“Hm.”  
“I want you to know... I love you. I’ll be here as long as you need me. We’re friends. You’re my best friend.”  
Victor choked up a sob. The sound of his crying filled the room, so Yuuri laid down beside him on the hard wood. “Did I say something wrong?”  
“No,” Victor strangled out. He then rolled into Yuuri and hugged him. In his ear, Victor said, “I don’t know why I can’t feel it. I hear you say you love me and it’s like it’s empty. I believe you mean it. Why can’t I feel it? What’s wrong with me?”  
“Nothing’s wrong with you. You’re wonderful, and I wish you could see it, but that’s okay that you can’t right now. I believe in you.”

Victor hugged Yuuri tighter than he ever had when it was time for him to leave that year. In Victor’s ear Yuuri told him one last time that he loved him. Because Victor made Yuuri forget about himself. He didn’t think he was different or weird or strange or fat when Victor was with him. He longed for Victor to smile—like he smiled when they first met—big and bright and beautiful. He made Yuuri’s heart full and loved. Yuuri wanted and wished dearly that Victor loved him too—that he knew he was loved.

~~

Yuuri sat on the porch with Mari one cool evening in spring. She was on her second cigarette before either of them said anything. Yuuri’s heart felt like a weight in his chest. Pushing down on his lungs making it hard to breathe. Victor was admitted to the hospital and wouldn’t be coming for summer. Victor’s mom said it was a suicide attempt. Yuuri cried for a week.  
“Don’t forget me,” Victor had once said, “I’ll miss you.”  
Yuuri looked at his hands a drop from his eyes falling on the pen stains. He’d been studying for a math test. Victor was eighteen and had planned to go to university once the next semester started. Yuuri knew Victor wanted to travel abroad. Yuuri never gave university much thought aside from when he was panicking about the future.  
“Victor’s so stupid. Why would he want to leave us like that?” Mari spat.  
Yuuri whipped his head towards her, “Don’t say that!” he remembered the sound of Victor’s voice the day he asked Yuuri about being loved. “Victor just wanted to be loved.”  
Mari stayed quiet for a beat. “Doesn’t he know we all love him?”  
Neither of them said anything for a while.  
“I’m afraid of dying. I think everything is going to kill me. It makes me tired,” Yuuri said, “Maybe Victor thinks too much like me. Maybe he’s just tired.”  
Yuuri looked at Mari’s face. Her face was tearstained. Yuuri had never seen her cry. Her voice was shaky, “I thought he was okay, you know? Everyone did. I want him to be okay.”  
She put out her cigarette and went inside.

He put his face in his hands. Yuuri had always known Victor was different than him. But in some ways they were the same. He couldn’t stop the dull ache in his chest. He couldn’t stop the tears.  
His grades were the worst they’d ever been for the rest of the school year. He was so tired. Vicchan yipped at his feet. He couldn’t bring himself to pet him. “What’s wrong with me,” Victor had said.  
And Yuuri wanted nothing more than to lay beside him again and tell him over and over again that nothing was wrong—but everything was wrong now. Every bite of food Yuuri ate was bland. The sun was dull as Yuuri would walk down the beach. Did Yuuri not do enough... enough to keep him. His closest friend. The one who thought Yuuri was enough.  
Yuuko and Takeshi didn’t understand. They didn’t know what had happened, and Yuuri couldn’t bring himself to tell them. Not after they’d gotten to know Victor too.

So Yuuri sat on the beach without Victor once summer came. Victor didn’t write any emails. And all Yuuri could do was long to be close to him again. At fourteen, he still couldn’t see anybody else than Victor.

~~

The last few years, Yuuri spent most of his energy saving money and getting better at his English. He found a university in America that had a study abroad program that made Yuuri excited for something again. He was eighteen. An age that made him a little sick to think about. Victor emailed irregularly and infrequently. He talked about how his coach from his soccer team in high school had become sort of a dad to him. His own dad, he said, checked out after the first attempt Victor made on his life. Yuuri knew there were two attempts. He didn’t like to think Victor had more, but at least he still talked to Yuuri. Victor said his mom didn’t look at him the same either. Yuuri wanted with his whole heart to give Victor what his home life lacked—whatever that was.

Yuuri found himself feeling irritable. He ate more than he usually did, putting back a few of the pounds he’d worked so hard to lose. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew he was late to present, but he pushed that thought away. He was still anxious that it would be scary or bad. He didn’t know what to expect.  
It was later that week it happened. His rut. A week of sweating and not being able to sleep. Plus some awkward feelings in his lower regions. He hated it, but once it passed and he showered more times the next few days than he’d like to admit, he didn’t feel like his world had ended. And he didn’t feel different either. Expect a campfire-woody scent mixed with mint (At least he figured it was mint; It was such an odd combination, and Yuuri wasn’t sure he was a fan,) he couldn’t seem to get rid of no matter how hard he scrubbed in the shower. He hoped it wasn’t his natural scent that he’d have to live with for the rest of his life. No one would ever like him. And he was about to move to America. He’d always had bad luck. Yuuko and Takeshi said he got hotter, but Yuuri didn’t believe it. No one changes overnight, and he had to lose a few pounds again—at least tone up.  
The night before his flight he didn’t sleep.

He stood in the terminal waiting for the plane to be ready to board. He couldn’t stop his leg from bouncing as he tapped the armrest. He’d never been on a plane before. His mind raced over all the horrific possibilities from having to go to the bathroom and not being able to get out of his seat to the plane crashing and killing everyone aboard. But in the end he still got on the plane which he counted at a success (only after a panicked conversation with Mari with Aunt Minako who he could hear interjecting comments and laughter.) The second plane was just as hard, but he knew the best case scenario this time.  
In his last email to Victor, Yuuri told him all about him moving to America. He was going to school in Detroit, Michigan. He talked about how scared he was, but also excited. He left out the part about his first rut happening only a few weeks before having to leave. He hoped Victor would understand why Yuuri was moving across the world. He didn’t want Victor to be jealous. He chose to study abroad because he knew Victor wouldn’t be able to. He wanted to give Victor hope. That he could maybe get back on his feet again. Yuuri didn’t tell Victor any of this in his email. Maybe he should’ve. But he didn’t, and Victor didn’t respond. Yuuri hoped he would soon.

He found a job at a local Chinese restaurant. Yuuri couldn’t speak Mandarin or Cantonese and couldn’t tell the two apart. But people (mostly white people who thought they could speak Chinese—one or two phrases at most) would talk at him. Perhaps they assumed he was Chinese. He didn’t care though and his coworkers thought it was funny. He did too a little.  
They job paid well enough, and he made friends with the owner’s son, Guang-Hong Ji, who was six years younger than him. Their friendship had a vague resemblance to his and Victor’s friendship. Yuuri had to wonder if Victor thought of him the way he often thought of Guang-Hong. He had a fondness for the twelve year old boy like one might a brother. He knew, at this point in his life, there was no use fawning over Victor. His childhood crush on Victor had long since faded away, but that didn’t erase the love he had for him.  
He was pretty sure Guang-Hong knew more English than he did. Yuuri just couldn’t quite get any of the jokes Guang-Hong and his friend, Leo de la Igleisa, who was fourteen, told and laughed at. The two of them were in middle school. They told him Leo was on the older end of middle school, and he got made fun of for hanging out with Guang-Hong. Leo would laugh and say that Gunag-Hong was better than any of the kids at school.  
All his classes were completely in English, and sometimes it was difficult to retain all of the information.  
“Hey, Guang-Hong?” he asked one evening cleaning up at the restaurant after hours. Guang-Hong was lounged on a booth on his phone. He was supposed to be studying.  
“I know, I’m studying! I promise. I’m just taking a break.”  
Yuuri laughed. “I was going to ask if you could help with my English paper that’s due on Monday.”  
“Oh, my grammar sucks, Seung Gil is better at it than me. He’s in high school. He’s fifteen and is only friends with me because he talks to Leo, but I’ll tell Leo you need help. Oh, have you met Minami Kenjiro? Oh, well he’s from Japan like you, so his last name comes first wouldn’t it?” Yuuri was used to letting Guang-Hong talk. He figured it was because his parents didn’t let him, and his friends were older than him. They probably didn’t let him talk as much.  
“Yes, the last name comes first.”  
“Okay, cool! So, his name is Kenjiro Minami. He’s my age. I was hoping you could be friends with him because he just moved with his family and doesn’t speak a lot of English. You could speak to him like in Japanese and be best friends!”  
“That sounds great Guang-Hong,” he said, “I’m walking you home right?”  
“Yeah...” his parents didn’t let him walk alone. Yuuri understood why. Guang-Hong didn’t and often complained. He didn’t complain tonight.  
“You have a cell phone right?” Guang-Hong asked.  
“Yeah, I got one before I left home. Why?”  
“I thought I could text you when I get a hold of Seung Gil,” he said.  
Yuuri nodded and pulled out his phone, “That sounds like a good idea.”  
Guang-Hong grinned from ear to ear. They exchanged numbers and were quiet until Yuuri dropped Guang-Hong off. They said their goodbyes, and Yuuri walked home in silence.  
He tried not to allow his mind to think too much. It always did anyway. The semester was almost over and Victor still hadn’t emailed back. Yuuri had jumped to the worst possible scenario every day that Victor didn’t respond. What if his parents forgot to call. What if he was really dead this time. He stopped walking and took a deep breathe. No news is good news—so the saying goes. Yuuri wasn’t so sure. He didn’t know if he should send another email. He didn’t have Victor’s number, and Victor didn’t have his. Not like it would matter. International calls and texts cost money. And Yuuri was beginning to understand the concept of “broke college student.”  
He got home late with three classes in the morning. He curled under his blankets and tried to will away the racing thoughts.

~~

Yuuri ended up sending Victor a few follow up emails over the next three years. He talked about his job at the local restaurant, that he got a raise. He talked about his classes that he’d made a few friends from his connections at work. Mostly younger than him. He had made a friend named Chris who was from Switzerland. Chris was two years older than Yuuri. He had a boyfriend. Yuuri didn’t envy their relationship, but he did sometimes wish he had someone to be happy with. He didn’t tell Victor that in his emails.  
Phichit came into his life like a whirlwind that year. He was a freshman from Thailand. He had a mad love for social media and basically forced Yuuri to get an Instagram. Something that Yuuri had no interest in. Phichit was a bubbly ray of sunshine with a devious streak that snuck up sometimes when he had an idea.  
Despite how different the two of them were, they became fast friends. Yuuri was convinced it was only because Phichit forced himself into Yuuri’s life whether he wanted it or not. But it turned out he didn’t mind. He liked the company of a roommate who kept him out of his thoughts. They had movie nights on the weekends, and study ‘dates’ together after class when their schedules collided.  
Yuuri sometimes wished he could get Victor off his mind. Because it had been so long, he knew Victor wouldn’t even look the same. He’d be twenty-five now. Yuuri wondered sometimes if nothing that happened when they were kids mattered. That now that they were adults Victor had forgotten. Yuuri could never forget.  
Victor was probably married with kids. Or found friends that were better to him than Yuuri. He didn’t like to think about any other options even though he didn’t like the two he’d created. Yuuri didn’t email Victor again. Instead he found himself tagging his location on Instagram (after Phichit showed him how). It made him motivated to post which Phichit loved, and it got him out of the house to artsy local shops and museums. Yuuri had given Victor enough information through his past emails that if Victor wanted... he could find Yuuri. Maybe they’d be friends again.  
Yuuri’s heart hurt. His chest pounding too hard. His head hurt.  
It was always Victor, wasn’t it? The one he loved. The one he always wanted. That night after a particularly long day at work, he cried to himself in his room. He didn’t like crying. It lifted the weights though. Just a little.

~~

Yuuri was twenty three and graduated from college when was finally going home for the first time since he left. He hugged Phichit tight at the airport and cried with him. It was a strange feeling going home. He missed his family, but he loved his new one in Detroit. Yuuri knew it would be uncomfortable for awhile at least. But it would be okay.  
The train ride home was boring and lonely. Yuuri often felt lonely as of late. Even when he was with friends and people he loved.  
He was greeted at the door with hugs and kisses and smiles. He greeted them back the same. It truly had been too long. He wasn’t home longer than an hour before Okasan grinned with glee and said words that Yuuri wasn’t sure he could comprehend. “Yuuri, Natalia has invited us to her family’s reunion in Russia. She said Vicchan will be there. She’s divorced from her husband now, I didn’t know if you knew—”  
Yuuri’s ears felt like static. He hadn’t thought about Victor in a long time. He gave up with emails. It was clear from Victor’s silence that he didn’t want to hear from Yuuri. His life had been filled with love from the people in Detroit he had grown so close to. It wasn’t that he didn’t want Victor anymore. Victor would always have a beloved place in Yuuri’s heart. But it had been so long. It was after dinner and after Aunt Minako, Yuuko and Takeshi and their three girls, left for their homes that Yuuri went to bed early. His room was still the same. The last time he went through it was five years ago.  
He placed his bag by his bed then collapsed onto the blankets. It was bittersweet. He messaged Phichit over Instagram that he was home. He got a reply almost instantly in the form of a video call.  
“Hey, Phichit, I miss you.”  
“Yuuri! I miss you too. Everyone does.”  
Phichit asked how the flight was—Yuuri replied it was fine. They talked about how Guang-Hong had gotten promoted to Yuuri’s position. And how he was afraid Yuuri would be mad.  
“No, I’m so happy for him!”  
Phichit laughed, “I thought so. I’ll be sure to let him know.”  
“Hey Phichit?” Yuuri didn’t tell anyone about his friendship with Victor while in Detroit. He didn’t think it was important. But he was struggling now, and Phichit new how to calm him down from his anxiety.  
“Yea? What can I help with?” his broad smile strengthened Yuuri’s confidence to talk about it.  
He told Phichit some background information on his and Victor’s relationship growing up. He even told Phichit about Victor’s attempt on his life and how after awhile Yuuri stopped hearing from him. Phichit listened intently.  
“—all of that to say, my family’s been invited to Victor’s family reunion on his mom’s side. Okasan say’s Victor will be there... Help.”  
“Is Victor’s mom’s last name Baranovskaya by any chance?” Phichit hummed.  
Yuuri’s heart raced. “Y-yeah, how did you—”  
“Chris is going to Russia in a few weeks to go to his ballet instructor, Lilia’s, family reunion. His family has always been close with her.”  
“Victor’s mom’s name is Natalia. I think he mentioned his Aunt is a ballet instructor. Do you think Chris knows Victor?”  
Phichit shrugged, “There’s only one way to find out?”  
“Ask Chris?”  
“I was going to say stalk his Insta, but go off I guess.”  
Yuuri laughed. “You can go for that if you want. I’ll see if I can contact Chris. He’s always busy though.”  
“I heard he’s planning to propose to Matt.”  
“Oh? It’s about time,” Yuuri said.  
“Yeah, I thought so too. Anyway, I should study. Keep in contact! Don’t fall off the face of the earth, okay?”  
“For sure. It was good to talk.”

Yuuri did end up getting a hold of Chris. Chris said he met Victor at ballet class right before Victor quit and started soccer at his school. The two of them hung out often. Frequently going drinking. Chris told Yuuri that he and a guy named Georgi were the first to tell Victor that he might be an alcoholic and need help. Victor started going to therapy soon after that. Apparently Victor stopped going pretty quick. Saying it was a waste of time.  
It was weird. Getting the details filled in from the school months while Yuuri was not with him. Yuuri never knew Victor was an alcoholic. He never knew Victor went to therapy before his attempt. Chris also said that Victor never gave him a name for Yuuri, but Victor did talk about his best friend in Japan often. He said it was a nice surprise to learn that little kid was Yuuri and that they could all be friends once the reunion came around.  
Yuuri ended the call after teasing Chris that he better hurry up with his proposal to Matt. Chris laughed it off. It was good to talk to him. Yuuri still felt the weight of dread hanging over him. Chris said Victor talked about Yuuri when they were kids. Did he talk about him now though? Why did they lose touch? Was it something Yuuri said? Did Victor ever even care?  
It didn’t matter too much anymore. Yuuri had stopped caring so much about Victor not wanting to talk to him for a while now. Yuuri’s heart still held a place for Victor. It didn’t really hold him there now, but was ready to be filled up again when Victor was ready. Yuuri didn’t mind that piece of his heart missing. He didn’t mind that a huge part of his life felt empty now. He didn’t mind his childhood was meaningless without the presence of Victor’s laugh and smile. After his talk with Chris however everything was stirred up again. From the first big smile Victor ever shone his way, to the absence of it the night they got the call that Victor had been admitted to the hospital. Nothing seemed right again. The longing in his chest ached again. The loneliness.  
Yuuri flopped down onto his bed. Something crinkled under him. Sitting up he checked under the unmade sheet. It was the Teen Magazine Victor had brought so long ago. His breath hitched. He had contemplated taking it before he left for college. But he ended up not have the space. He decided at the time that it wasn’t needed. He’d keep emailing Victor instead—they’d keep in touch. But things changed obviously. And Yuuri didn’t mind anymore. But seeing the magazine there on his bed he and Victor would share sometimes and laugh, in the room he and Victor used to stay in together and play videogames, where photographs on the walls showed summer after summer of them at the beach, Yuuri did mind. And he cried. Long and hard. Clutching the magazine tight to his chest with an image of Victor on his mind. With his long flowing silver hair that he always insisted was blonde, his blue eyes that sparkled with mischief before he stole a bite of Yuuri’s food, his smile that lit up a room. Until he stopped joking around, and his eyes lost their sparkle, and his smile lost it’s glow. And Yuuri sobbed harder. Hoping no one would hear. Because nothing was right anymore. Nothing had been right in a long time.

Soon Yuuri and his family plus Aunt Minako were waiting for their flight to board. Natalia, Victor’s mom, would pick them all up from the airport. She’d hug them, Yuuri knew. Yuuri hoped she wouldn’t comment too much on him. His family had been too loud about how handsome he’d become and how his face had sharpened—and so on. In general, Yuuri had always hated people commenting of his looks. Starting way back at people commenting on his weight, it left a distaste in his mouth anytime someone focused on his looks. Whatever though, Yuuri knew he had grown up. People commenting was only part of the process that Yuuri had gotten semi used too.  
The plane landed and sure enough starting with Mari, Natalia gushed over how beautiful she had become. Her face made an odd expression looking at Yuuri though. He shuffled his feet and felt a bit uncomfortable.  
“Who’s this young man? Did Yuuri come?” she sounded confused.  
Otosan laughed. He must’ve figured Natalia was joking. Yuuri wasn’t so sure she was.  
Okasan intervened before Mari’s face got too red. (Yuuri had made the mistake of mentioning how uncomfortable it made him for people to comment on his appearance. She’d been down everyone’s throats about it since then. She was protective like that.)  
Okasan said, “Natalia that is Yuuri.”  
The red haired woman seemed embarrassed. “I’m sorry Yuuri. I should’ve known. You’re so grown up now!”  
“Yes, I’m twenty-three.”  
She put a hand to her chest. “Lord, I’m getting old. My son’s twenty-seven. Yuuri is grown up now. How will I survive this.”

The car ride to Natalia’s family’s estate that they’d be staying in with the rest of Natalia’s family and close friends for the week was uneventful. Yuuri found himself nodding off on the drive over. He caught Natalia say that Victor wouldn’t arrive until tomorrow morning. She said he had work.  
“He’s working as an accountant now. He makes good money. I’m proud that he’s back on his feet.” Nothing more was said on the matter.  
Natalia introduced them to Yakov, Victor’s coach in high school, and Lilia, her cousin. (Apparently Yakov and Lilia had eyes for each other. Yuuri didn’t know what to make of that.) It was early, around six in the morning, and jetlag was already killing him. He asked to see the room he’d be staying in so he could lay down for a little while. He slept until noon. Yuuri knew he would have a difficult time going to bed that night. He knew however that he wouldn’t of slept well anyway.  
There was a photo on the dresser of Victor posing with Makkachin. And the air felt heavy. Did Victor smile anymore like in the photo? He wondered if this heartache was only felt by him. If he was the only one who cared anymore.  
Because he loved Victor. Victor held that place in his heart that it seemed no one else could fill. They had been best friends. Victor once called Yuuri perfect. They used to hold hands as children and laugh.  
Grief.  
Yuuri always knew Victor was different. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’ll be okay, Victor.

~~  
~~~

Victor was pretty good at his morning routine nowadays. Get up, shower and dress, take his pills, feed Makkachin, leave for work. That’s what he forgot. He put the keys back down and pulled his pill box down out of the cabinet. He was in such a rush this morning. He overslept on the worst day possible. He was going to try and get some hours in at work before picking Chris up at the airport. He counted his pills and took them all at once. The big one always left a residue in his mouth. He gagged a little. He didn’t mind though as long as it worked.  
He picked up the keys again and hoped to get to the airport on time.  
Traffic.  
It was so bad Victor started counting red cars. He got to the airport forty-five minutes late which wasn’t bad considering. Chris had texted him several times while he was in traffic. The plane had been delayed so Chris had only been waiting for about ten minutes.  
“Hey, Chris,” Victor said. They hugged.  
“It’s good to see you, love,” Chris wrapped an arm around Victor’s shoulders, “Are you okay?”  
“I’m alright.”  
“About seeing him I mean.”  
Victor sighed. He was seventeen the last time he saw his best friend. “Yeah, I don’t know. The whole thing feels so heavy. I don’t know what he’ll say.”  
“It’s scary,” Chris summarized.  
“Yes.”  
Victor was always aware of the age difference between Yuuri and himself when they were kids. He felt like he could never talk to Yuuri about the mess that was him because what would a kid know about drinking too much or wanting to die. About desperately wanting an escape. But whether or not he would’ve understood didn’t matter now. They were both adults. Yuuri would understand now. And what would he think of Victor?  
The thing Victor blamed himself more than anything for is losing that password to his old email. Chris pointed out later when they were talking about Yuuri being a mutual friend that Victor could have gone through Yuuri’s parents to contact him. But of course Victor never thought of that. His heart hurt. And the heavy feeling between his lungs ached and pulled. Because he loved Yuuri for so long. Victor was curtain that if anyone was honest with their love it was Yuuri.  
Victor was sure he ruined everything however because why would Yuuri forgive him for ghosting him. Would Yuuri understand it was simply a lost password. That Victor would’ve given anything to talk to the person he needed most during the darkest hours of his life. He didn’t know.  
“You’re all up in your head again, Victor. Get out of there, my friend,” Chris said.  
Victor didn’t notice that he zoned out long enough to be driving to his mom’s family’s estate already. He put the address in his GPS too.  
“You’re right, I’m sorry,” he said.  
“No need to apologize, Vic,” Chris said, “So what’s going on up there?”  
“I don’t even know what he looks like anymore. I just hope he still considers us friends. Or at least acknowledges our old friendship. I hate mys—”  
“No, don’t you dare, Victor. I know the feelings over this are pretty big at the moment, but you know not to fall back into that trap. What’s something good that can come from this experience?”  
Victor hummed. “I don’t know.”  
“Well, you have plenty of time to think. The drive’s not getting any shorter with you driving so slow.”  
Victor laughed. “I’m going ten over!”  
“Go fifteen!” Chris said laughing as he turned the radio up.

~~

The family estate was just shy of a mansion. Victor had only been two times before in his life and didn’t like it much. The house was pale brick. The double door was some sort of dark wood. The house in those aspects was beautiful, but the windows were too small and it made him feel trapped. Several family members were chatting out front.  
“Oi, Victor!” his cousin’s voice shouted from behind him. Yuri was fifteen now and was just as ill mannered as he had been at six. Yuri would kill him if anyone told him that though.  
“Yura, it’s good to see you,” Victor said.  
“Why is Chris here?” Yuri scowled.  
“Because I was invited! I saw on Instagram you made a new friend,” Chris said.  
“Which one?” Yuri said, “I have a lot of friends.”  
Chris laughed, “The one you made here. But I did see that cute photo of you and that boy you like.”  
Yuri’s face went red down to his neck. He didn’t respond but ran inside.

Aunt Lilia greeted them once inside. She and Chris started up a conversation at once which made Victor feel a bit left out. He wondered when he’d see Yuuri. If he even came. He thought he saw Yuuri’s Aunt Minako somewhere earlier, but he couldn’t be sure. He heaved a sigh. At some point he wandered out to the back porch. The air was cool and prickled his skin. He hoped the bench was still where it used to be.  
It was, but it was occupied.  
“Victor,” Mari said smoke coming out of her mouth as she put out her cigarette. She stood, “It’s been awhile.”  
His heart ached. “It has.”  
“Yeah, we lost touch.”  
“Yes, we did. My fault I guess. I lost the password to my old email. I—”  
“Victor, I don’t need to hear your reasons or excuses. It’s fine. I—we understand you’ve gone through a lot.”  
He ducked his head. “Thank you. I’ve missed you all though.”  
“We’ve missed you too,” she said, “Yuuri especially.”  
It was getting difficult to breathe. His hands clenched in pockets of his jacket. He wanted to say sorry. But Mari wasn’t who he needed to apologize to. Victor knew that. “Did he come?”  
“Yeah, he did,” She rocked back and forth on her heels.  
“Do you know where he is?”  
“No, last I saw him was at breakfast,” she looked out over the backyard.  
He nodded. “I’ll look for him.”

Instead of finding Yuuri, he spent the day running into family who kept asking how he was doing. It made him feel sick to his stomach. He wasn’t close with any of them. What right did they have to ask how he was doing? He was better than he had ever been. He was finally making ground fighting the depression. He had been clean from alcohol for four years. His moods hardly swung up and down any more. He hadn’t had a manic episode in maybe two years. His medication was working.  
What right did they have? When they didn’t check up on him all those years to now suddenly pretend to care. Victor was mad. Mad at it all.  
He found his way back to the porch at some point. Mari wasn’t there anymore. He wasn’t sure if he was hoping she would be. He walked through the grass of the open backyard towards the yellowing white gazebo. The wood of it was worn and creaked under step. He was worried about leaning against the railing. Worried that it would give out under his weight. It felt good out here in the yard though. With the cool air and the threat of rain. The dew on the grass never dried from the morning.  
Victor didn’t know how long he stayed out there, but Chris called out to him around the time the sky was growing dark. He supposed he didn’t feel like getting rained on. He followed Chris’s advice and made it towards the house. They were serving dinner in a few minutes.  
Chris stopped him before going through the back door. “I figured I’d warn you. One of the uncles brought beer. I won’t drink if it’ll help you. Stick close to me if you need to.”  
Victor nodded. “It would help. If you didn’t drink. You’re too good a friend to me.”  
“No, I’m not, Vic. No one can make it alone, you know that. I’m here to support you.”  
“Thanks, Chris.”  
Chris smiled and put a hand on his shoulder leading him inside.

~~

Dinner was overrated, but everyone enjoyed it nonetheless. Not everyone was drinking. Victor was glad about that. He still hadn’t seen Yuuri. He realized at some point that he didn’t even know what Yuuri looked like anymore. Maybe he’d seen him already.  
It was mostly dark outside. Natural light wasn’t coming through the windows anymore. It made him feel even more claustrophobic than the house already did. He could go sit on a bench outside, but really he just wanted to go to bed. The whole reason he was here was for the Katsukis and he’d hardly seen them. Chris had probably seen Yuuri by now. Maybe he had an idea of where he was.  
Finding Chris was a bit of a challenge though. He was a social butterfly and talked to anyone who would listen. Finally, after giving up, Victor made his way the small library at the back of the house for some peace and quiet. As he opened the door to the room that doubled as an office, he heard two people talking softly.  
Victor saw Chris standing with his back towards him speaking to someone Victor couldn’t see. The lights were dim. Chris looked over his should and turned.  
Chris grinned, “I’m glad to see you found our hiding spot. Or his more like it.” Then Chris gestured to—  
The most beautiful, handsome, gorgeous man Victor had even in his life seen. He was speechless. Victor knew he needed to say something. He nodded and closed the door behind him. He normally didn’t think too much about the fact he was an omega. He didn’t think often about the fact Chris was a beta. He was never given grief over his secondary like some people. He was lucky. He never really dated much so it didn’t come up there. But standing in front of this stunning man, he thought very much about his secondary.  
Inside he was screaming.  
Victor tried to place where he’d seen him before. Chris hadn’t said his name yet, and Victor wasn’t sure if he was supposed to know him or not. He wondered if Yuuri knew this man. If this man came with the Katsukis. Somewhere deep down he hoped for something, but he wasn’t quite sure was that was.  
Chris and the man who looked vaguely familiar, but then not at all, kept talking. “What about you, Victor?”  
“Sorry?”  
Chris laughed. “You weren’t listening were you.”  
“No, I’m sorry. I’ve been in my thoughts all day.”  
“I know you have been,” Chris said before turning back to his friend—  
Victor paused. All he heard in his mind was the connection. Chris was talking with his friend, who came with the Katsukis, who looked vaguely familiar, and looked at Victor with a certain look in his eye Victor couldn’t place.  
“I need to sit down.”  
“Yeah, Vic, you look kind of pale,” Chris said.  
The man, who Victor was about ninety-seven percent sure was Yuuri, came over and held out his hands. “There’s a chair over here by the fireplace.”  
Victor let the gorgeous man lead him to the fireplace. When he sat down, he looked over at Chris. He had a gleam in his eyes. And the small smile he got whenever he thought anything was romantic.  
“Well,” Chris said, “Last time I was out in the dining room, there was still food left, and it’s calling my name. I didn’t eat enough.” With that he was out of the room.  
The Maybe Yuuri was warming his hands by the fire, “It’s colder than I thought it would be. I thought everyone was exaggerating.”  
Victor cleared his throat. “It’s not too bad once you’re used to it.”  
“I’m sure.” He turned to face Victor. His black hair and dark eyes glittered in the firelight. “It’s been awhile. You cut your hair.”  
Victor knew it was Yuuri then. He wasn’t sure he wanted it to be, but there was another side of him that was so glad to see him. “It has.”  
Yuuri sat in the chair beside his. “I’ve been worried about seeing you again,” his voice was quiet. His head was ducked. “I didn’t want to bother you. I know you didn’t really want to hear from me.”  
Victor grabbed Yuuri’s hand. He looked up shocked. “Yuuri, that’s not it! I swear. I lost the password to that email.”  
Yuuri’s breath hitched. Victor watched him swallow and glance down Victor’s hand on his. Victor pulled away.  
“You lost the password.”  
“Yeah.”  
Yuuri’s eyes fell towards his lap. Victor waited for an angry response. He waited for anything. In the dim light, a tear dropped from Yuuri’s eye. He looked up towards Victor. On Yuuri’s face was a familiar expression. Victor knew it well. Determination.  
Yuuri said, “Can we start over then? Can we catch up?” Yuuri reached over and took Victor’s hand like Victor had just moments before.  
“Of course, Yuuri. I’d love nothing more than to know you again.”

~~

Victor and Yuuri spent most the night catching up. Yuuri told Victor all the things he said in his emails that Victor never got to read. Like that he studied hard to get into the American school, he told Victor about the job he had and how he got a promotion. How now that he moved back in with his parents that one of his friends got his position. He told Victor that he was proud of his friend.  
“What did you major in?” Victor asked.  
“I finished my pre-med, I’ll have to go back to finish medical school. I minored in creative arts though. Oh, I took this basket weaving class for fun! Everyone took it because they thought it would be easy, but it was one of the hardest classes I ever took. We had to, at some point, collect our own weaving supplies from nature, dry them out, and weave a basket out of the materials. Guess who got an A in that class. I thought for sure I’d failed it.”  
Victor couldn’t help but laugh. Yuuri’s face lit up when he spoke about college. Like he was reliving the fun. “You always have been too down on yourself. I’m sure you got an A in all your classes.”  
Yuuri huffed, “Except physics. You’d think it’d be English my first semester. That was hard. But it was physics.”  
“I didn’t do well in physics either,” Victor said.  
“What did you major in?” Yuuri asked.  
“Business and accounting,” Victor replied, “I work at an accountant at a law firm.”  
Yuuri smiled, “That’s impressive. Lots of math.”  
Victor replied, “Yes, lots of math.”

Soon after that Victor decided he was going to call it a night. Yuuri said he would follow suit, and that maybe they could get coffee in the morning.  
“Yes, that’d be wonderful.”  
And Yuuri smiled his beautiful smile. Because Victor still couldn’t get off his mind how lovely Yuuri was.  
Victor laid awake that night. He thought so hard and long when daylight came he didn’t know if he slept or not. But he felt rested. It was the first time in a long time, maybe forever, that he was excited for the day.  
Yuuri wasn’t up yet when Victor found himself in the family room. He guessed it was a bit early and Yuuri was probably still getting adjusted from jetlag. He took a seat on the worn couch. He never liked this house. He didn’t like any of the rooms, not even his own. But he was glad he came. In his chest there was a feeling. It was light and pleasant and relaxing. He learned a long time ago that focusing on the emotions too much was a recipe for disaster, but this didn’t feel bad. Because the tightness in his shoulders he didn’t know he was holding relaxed, and his breathing became even. All was calm, and for just this moment, everything was okay. And Victor was glad. He knew it was likely to fade again, but for just this moment—  
“Oh, how long have you been up?” Yuuri stood in front of him smiling.  
“Only a little while. Are you ready for coffee?”  
“No,” Yuuri laughed, “I need to finish getting ready.”  
Victor nodded. Yuuri’s smile was contagious. Everything was alright.

~~  
~~~

While it started with a few panic attacks, the reunion ended smoothly and at ease. Yuuri and Victor got coffee every morning for the rest of the week, sometimes Chris would join them for lunch. Yuuri felt relaxed. He didn’t want to leave though. Victor drove Yuuri and his family to the airport. Once there Victor hugged him. A proper hug. Yuuri hugged back hoping Victor would never leave.  
“I’ll come visit,” Victor whispered in his ear.  
“You better.”  
Victor laughed lightly.  
Yuuri went to pull away from the hug, but Victor clung a little harder. “Don’t forget to call.”  
Yuuri did pull away then and looked Victor in the eyes, “I won’t, Victor.”  
Victor nodded. Yuuri knew he needed to be through security by now. Mari was tapping her foot and Otosan was checking his watch. Okasan was smiling though which made Yuuri feel the heat rise in his cheeks.

The plane ride home was uneventful. Helping out at the inn was uneventful. Running errands for his parents was uneventful. Even going to the rink with Yuuko, Takeshi, and the girls fell into routine.  
He texted a few friends over Instagram asking them how they were. They were all fine and missed him and wanted to see him soon. He missed them too.  
His only highlight of the weeks were the scheduled times he and Victor had cut out of their days to call or Skype. It wasn’t long before Yuuri felt his childhood crush spring back into his heart. And he wasn’t happy about it. He knew Victor didn’t like him back. He couldn’t. Victor was older than him. Despite them both being adults now, it didn’t matter. Victor had always been the big kid who only hung out with Yuuri because it was his second choice.  
Yuuri clutched his phone in his hand, tears threatening to fall, while waiting for Victor to call. Because apparently this wasn’t a childhood crush anymore. He was an adult. This was an adult crush. Where relationships actually turned into more. Imaging being married to Victor was... Yuuri had always wanted light grey suits and fairy lights and lots of greenery—tears crawled down his cheeks and he tried to control the sobs. He couldn’t think like that. Victor would never love him like that.  
His phone buzzed three times before Yuuri could calm himself enough to answer the phone.  
“Hey, Yuuri! How’s your day been? I’ve been missing you recently,” Victor’s voice come through the speakers differently than it did in person.  
Yuuri wished Victor was with him. “My day’s been okay. I’ve missed you too.”  
“So, I’ve got a surprise coming for you. It’ll be at your house next week.”  
“A surprise?” Yuuri laughed, “What for?”  
“I can’t send you gifts?”  
“I mean you can but—”  
Victor’s joyous laugh broke through the other line. “Oh, Yuuri, you’re wonderful. You be waiting for your surprise, okay?”  
“I will be,” Yuuri said.  
They continued the conversation with pleasantries which turned into more serious conversation. Victor talked about his change in medication that turned out to make things worse for the whole of the week prior, so they changed it back and now he’s having to readjust. Yuuri talked about truly how bored he was since moving back from college. How he can’t wait to leave even though he loves his family.  
“Yuuri,” Victor started.  
“Yes, Victor?”  
Victor ended the call like this every time. “Goodnight, my Yuuri.”  
Yuuri could never breathe after Victor would say ‘goodnight’ in his soft tone. His voice sounded like love. If Victor loved him, Yuuri was sure this is how he’d know. But Yuuri didn’t know, “Goodnight, Victor.”  
As the call ended, Yuuri stared up at the ceiling again. His body couldn’t decide whether to be glad from the phone call or to cry again from the pain that kept creeping in. Why couldn’t Yuuri be happy loving Victor as a friend? They’d been friends for so long...

~~

Yuuri waited the week Victor told Yuuri to wait. Victor had missed their scheduled call. He’d warned Yuuri first at least, but he still missed Victor’s voice.  
He was walking down the stairs when he heard Okasan shout, “What a wonderful surprise!”  
Whelp, that must be it. Yuuri ran to the family room where his family was chattering. From the stairs, Yuuri saw him.  
“Victor?” So this was his surprise...  
“This place hasn’t changed a bit in the best way possible,” Victor’s smile made everything wonderful again. His smile was big and bright and beautiful—just like it had been when they were kids.  
Yuuri stumbled over his words feeling himself tear up, “It’s wonderful to see you, Victor. How long are you staying?”  
“Until you kick me out,” he laughed, “Seriously though, I bought a one way ticket here so I could spend as much time with everyone as possible.”  
Yuuri didn’t know what to say, but Mari laughed, “You can stay here as long as you want,” she said.  
Okasan and Otosan nodded.  
Victor grinned at them, but his smile faltered, “Are you okay with me staying, Yuuri?”  
Yuuri looked between everyone, nodded, felt his heart stutter, and dove into Victor’s chest for a hug. He felt Victor wrap his arms around him and suddenly everything was safe.  
“This is the best surprise, Victor, I’ve missed you so much,” he mumbled into Victor’s shirt.  
Yuuri felt Victor kiss his head. He felt his face heat up too.  
“It’s my pleasure to be here, love.”

~~

It was later in the week Victor suggested a walk down to the beach. Yuuri’s heart fluttered at the suggestion and followed beside Victor on the way there. Their hands brushing every once in a while. Victor looked as beautiful as ever before.  
Their walk to the beach was peacefully quiet. They sat in the same spot they used to as kids. Yuuri was filled with nostalgia and longing.  
“I’d like a wedding on the beach,” Victor said.  
Yuuri was taken aback slightly. He watched for Victor to smile or laugh, but he didn’t. He was serious.  
“That or in a butterfly garden. Although I think that’s a bit extra.”  
Yuuri smiled feeling fond, “Victor, you are extra.”  
“Who, me?” he lost the act quickly though and laughed along with Yuuri.  
“A wedding, huh?” Yuuri said.  
“I’ve been thinking about it lately.”  
“You have someone in mind.” It wasn’t a question so much. Yuuri watched the bare trace of a fond smile on Victor’s lips at the remark. It was telling enough.  
Victor turned from his gaze on the waves to look at Yuuri. For the first time in a long time it felt like Victor was only paying attention to him and nothing and no one else. And Yuuri felt loved.  
“Yes, I have someone in mind,” his gaze held Yuuri’s. “Yuuri, I—” he paused seeming to have lost any confidence he might’ve had.  
Yuuri tried to understand.  
“Can we hold hands like we did when we were kids, Yuuri?” Victor’s lip trembled.  
“Yes, of course.”  
Yuuri watched and felt as Victor took both his hands in his own. Victor seemed to steady himself by looking at their hands intertwined. Yuuri did too. Whatever Victor was about to tell him was a big deal. Yuuri prepared himself for heartbreak. Victor was probably about to ask him to be his Best Man, or—  
“Yuuri, I’d like it very much if you would be my boyfriend,” he sputtered the sentence out so fast Yuuri wasn’t sure he understood. But Victor was looking at him expectantly.  
Yuuri was stunned. He stumbled for a response because every bone in his body was screaming “Yes!” but he couldn’t seem to make the words come out.  
He watched Victor’s face fall, and Yuuri tried harder to make the words come, but then Victor pulled away. “I’m sorry... I didn’t want to make things awkward. I—we should head back.” And then Victor stood.  
But Yuuri stayed sitting. In shock. That his love was reciprocated—and that he’d just ruined his chance by being so damn quiet!  
Instead of finding the words, Yuuri’s whole self rebelled and he sobbed. He’d always cried too much.  
He sobbed harder. He couldn’t tell if Victor was already gone or not. But—oh, through the blur of his tears and the waterfall on his glasses he made out Victor’s shape.  
“What did I say, Yuuri? Please tell me. Somehow, I ruined everything—please tell me, I—”  
“No, no, no, no, no! You’re all I’ve ever wanted and I thought you didn’t want me and you started to walk away and I made you hate me. I’ve only ever wanted you,” Yuuri managed to get out.  
Victor pulled Yuuri to his chest. “I could never hate you, Yuuri. You’re all I ever think about, you know? I only ever feel loved with you.”

~~  
~~~

Yuuri and Victor learned very quickly that the twin bed in Yuuri’s room wasn’t sufficient for two grown men, but they made it work. They made a lot of things work. Yuuri was going back to college in Detroit in the fall to finish up his schooling. Victor would be traveling with him. After the year they’d been together everything was falling into place. They’d talked about it some. Getting married that is. Okay, they’d talked about it a lot. So Yuuri felt comfortable there at the ring shop without Victor to know it would be okay.  
Yuuri wanted to propose at the beach that they visited before they left for the states, but it didn’t happen then. The timing wasn’t right. He figured he’d propose at the airport before they arrived at their new apartment. It didn’t happen then either. How did one propose exactly?  
It didn’t happen the first week into them living in America. It didn’t happen awhile after that either. Yuuri was getting anxious. He started having the ring on him at all times. Victor started noticing something was off, and that was the absolute last thing Yuuri wanted.  
It was a Saturday, Victor was meeting the future best man (Phichit) for the first time, and Yuuri was waiting for any oppertunity at this point. Victor, at some point, excused himself for the restrooms.  
“Phichit, you’ve gotta help me!” he half whispered.  
“Oh my god, are you okay, is he hurting you, are you going through a divorce on the side, is he cheating on you?” Phichit gasped, “Did he get your Starbucks order wrong after you told him?”  
“No, no! Nothing bad, I promise. I want to propose to him, but at this point I’ve tried to do it and I haven’t found the right—Phichit are you okay?”  
Phichit was emulating a high pitched frequency squeal, bouncing in his seat, and covering his mouth with his hands.  
“Phichit—”  
“My little baby boy is all grown up and getting married!”  
“I knew you’d be the worst person to ask. I just knew it.” Yuuri landed himself face first onto the table.  
“Is everything okay out here?” Victor sat back down.  
“Yes, everything is wonderful!” Phichit continued to squeal.  
“Everything is awful,” Yuuri shook his head on the table. He was never going to be able to propose at this rate.  
He felt Victor’s hand rubbing his back in soothing little circles.  
Wow, he loved this man.  
Victor continued to chat with a malfunctioning ecstatic Phichit all calm and collected. Yuuri didn’t know how Victor was so good with people. He didn’t get it.

Later at home, Victor chuckled closing the apartment door behind them. “What was all that about? One moment everything’s normal, the next you and Phichit are at too ends of the emotional spectrum.”  
“Nothing much, I’ve just been worrying a lot lately and happened to tell Phichit.”  
“And... your best friend was excited that you’ve been worried?” Victor asked.  
“Well, no, but ah... something like that.”  
Victor’s smile faded. “Yuuri, love, is there something you’re not telling me. That has you worried?”  
Yuuri didn’t like it when Victor made that face. It was his face he made when he was blaming himself. “I mean...” here goes nothing for fucks sake, “There has been one thing.”  
Victor looked a little surprised. “Are you okay?”  
Yuuri nodded wringing his hands. He stepped away from the kitchen counter he was leaning on into their little living room. He dug around in his coat pocket and played with the box a moment in his hands. Victor’s eyes were wide.  
“Victor Nikiforov?” Yuuri stepped down onto one knee watching Victor begin to jump in his place, “Will you—”  
“Hold on! One second—” Victor tripped over the couch on his way to the bedroom. Yuuri didn’t have a chance to register what was happening before ran back out into their living area with his own box. “Yuuri?”  
“Oh my god, were you?”  
“You were too?”  
“Yes!”  
“Yes yes!”  
Both of them (grown ass men, as they tell the story later,) stood there bawling like babies while putting the golden bands on each other’s right ring finger. Then they hugged and kissed a bit. And Yuuri was so glad.

 

Victor had always been different than Yuuri, but that was okay because they were the same in many other ways. Their love bridged the gaps where understanding didn’t. Understanding met where the love sometimes didn’t. Everything was okay—even when it wasn’t. And Yuuri knew they’d never have to worry anymore. He never had to wonder, or cry alone at night. Sometime he and Victor both cried at night. Sometimes it just be like that. And other nights they couldn’t sleep because they’d laugh too hard over something or the other.  
In any event, the wedding was back at the beach in Japan. Chris was Victor’s Best Man, and Phichit was Yuuri’s. Minami helped Yuuri’s family cater the whole thing, having a katsudon as the main course. And after everyone had left, Yuuri and Victor still sat looking and the sky and waves. But they were quiet for the most part and they kissed sometimes too.  
And Victor would smile his big beautiful bright smile at Yuuri. And Yuuri would smile back, and trust that Victor was loved. Because he loved him and was loved in return.  
Everything’s okay, okay, okay...

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading if you made it this far. I had a fun time writing it. I'm a slow writer so it took me a month or two. Let me know what you think in the comments.


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